Approach anxiety is one of the biggest problems men face when it comes to achieving the dating life of their dreams. It’s basically the gatekeeper of game. It’s common sense that you can’t learn how to become more attractive to women until you actually start talking to them.
However, the consequences of giving in to fear run much deeper than that. Every time you let your approach anxiety win, you’re essentially reinforcing in your own mind that you don’t have what it takes to approach her. That you’re not good enough.
In other words, it’s not just that approach anxiety prevents you from improving yourself; it actively weakens your self-confidence over time.
Perhaps that’s why so many guys are obsessed with finding the “cure” to approach anxiety (and why there are so many coaching programs out there that promise to completely eliminate your AA forever).
In my experience, approach anxiety is a very complex and multi-faceted problem. There are way too many things that could be feeding into your approach anxiety (parenting, low self-esteem, personality type etc.) for there to be one clear-cut solution.
For problems like these, I’ve always found that it’s best to attack them from multiple different angles all at once. Which is why I’ve gone through the trouble of listing out 7 different things you can do to overcome your fear of approaching.
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1. Building Discipline
Discipline is essentially the ability to act in the pursuit of your goals, even when you don’t feel like doing so. As you can imagine, it’s a really useful trait to have when it comes to sharpening your cold approaching skills.
The more you practice self-discipline the stronger it gets, much like working out in the gym. In fact, sticking to a consistent workout regimen is a great way to build self-discipline. Cold showers, and mindfulness meditation are two other activities you can start incorporating into your daily routine to strengthen your discipline muscle.
2. Gradual Desensitization
Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Yes, it’s good to push yourself outside of your comfort zone, but if you push too far too fast then you’re going to burn yourself out.
If you nearly get a panic attack at the thought of striking up a conversation with a cute girl, then that might not be the best thing for you to start off with doing. You’re likely going to be unable to go through with it, causing you to get discouraged and maybe even give up cold approaching all together.
Again, think of it like working out. You wouldn’t get anywhere if you tried to lift more than you’re actually capable of lifting. The way to make progress in the gym is to pick a weight that is going to give you a challenging workout and then incrementally add on to it over time. Similarly, if you have really bad social anxiety, then it’s probably a better idea for you to baby-step your way to your end goal.
The idea is to start with something that you find hard, yet ultimately doable. For me, this used to be asking girls for the time. Whatever it is, you want to make this your new personal bar for success. You’ll find that overtime your comfort zone will expand and in order to keep challenging yourself you’re going to need to move on to the next hardest thing (for example, giving a compliment and then walking away).
The great thing about gradual desensitization is that by breaking up your larger goal into smaller steps, you’re able to accumulate a series of “wins”, which builds positive momentum that carries over into future interactions.
3. Inner Work
Obviously, this is something of an umbrella term. There are a million different things you can do to improve your “inner game”, and I’ve tried most of the ones you can think of and a few that you probably can’t, including visualizations, belief work, mindfulness meditation, emotional surrender exercises, emotional freedom techniques (EFT), affirmations, and energy awareness training. Reading certain books can help you too.
The effectiveness of each practice or method will depend on what exactly is contributing to your approach anxiety. If you’re dealing with repressed traumas that manifest themselves in your interactions with women, then trauma releasing exercises (TRE) might be beneficial. If what’s holding you back is a limiting belief of some sort, then you might want to target that through things such as hypnosis.
If you’re not quite sure where to start with your inner work, or you want guidance on how to implement the best exercises for you and your specific situation, then feel free to book a consultation call with me so I can help you out.
4. Accountability Support
I don’t care how motivated you are, you’re never going to reach your full potential unless you surround yourself with people who are going to support you and hold you accountable. Your brain is going to come up with millions of reasons to stop you from facing your fear. You need people who are willing to call you out on your own bullshit.
More than that, you need people around you who are going to push you to take action when you’re too afraid to push yourself.
I remember the day I did my first cold approach I had been wandering around aimlessly for hours passing up on opportunity after opportunity. Eventually I found myself sitting on a bench in a subway station, cursing myself for letting fear get the best of me once again.
That’s when this stumbling, disheveled drunk walked up and sat down next to me. Unprompted, he began telling me his life story. Turns out he was going through a rough divorce. But he told me that on the bright side that meant he could now sleep with whoever he wanted.
He then proceeded to begin hitting on every girl in sight using the most vulgar openers possible. It was the creepiest fucking shit I’ve ever seen. After they all rejected him, he came back and sat down next to me again, completely unfazed.
Right at that moment a cute girl walked by.
“Your turn man, go for it” he said.
That’s when something shifted inside me. If this guy could utterly embarrass himself and not give a fuck about it, I could at least say hi to a girl.
So, I did. And I never would’ve without him.
That’s the power of having someone to hold you accountable.
5. Developing Courage
This is somewhat similar to building discipline, except courage is the ability to act in spite of fear specifically. You develop courage by making it a habit to do things that scare you or at the very least are outside of your comfort zone.
This could mean different things for different people. In my case, like a lot of people, I used to be absolutely terrified of public speaking. So, I signed up for a public speaking class where I had to give a speech every week.
By forcing myself to confront my fear on a weekly basis, I completely changed my relationship with it. I learned that at the end of the day, fear is nothing more than an emotion, and it can’t control you unless you let it .By the end of the class, I had accumulated a multitude of reference experiences that proved to me that I was capable of overcoming fear, and this carried over into my cold approaching as well.
6. Anti-Anxiety Herbal Supplements
If you have a neurotic personality and/or experience a high baseline level of anxiety due to hormonal or neurotransmitter imbalances, then supplementing with relaxation-promoting herbs may be an effective strategy.
The advantage of using natural anxiety remedies is that most of them are relatively safe, have minimal side effects, and aren’t addictive (although you should definitely consult with your doctor if you have an underlying medical condition, or are currently on some form of medication).
There are dozens of different herbs out there, so it’s a good idea to do your own research on this topic. For what it’s worth, I’ve had good experiences with Ashwaganda, and I’ve also heard great things about Passionflower, both of which have been documented by scientific studies to reduce symptoms of anxiety in human participants.
7. Maximizing your physical attractiveness
Your physical appearance matters. And not just because it impacts people’s perception of you. Like it or not, your looks likely have some sort of effect on your confidence and state self-esteem (which unlike global self-esteem fluctuates from moment to moment). The more confident you feel, the easier it will be for you to approach.
Anyone who has even gotten a kick-ass haircut can probably attest to this.
Does this mean you need to get jacked before you can go talk to girls? Absolutely not. But going to the gym when you’re not out working on your social/seduction skills definitely wouldn’t hurt either.
Neither would learning about fashion, updating your wardrobe, fixing your haircut and taking good care of your skin
The bottom line is that the things I’ve suggested here are not magic bullets. They’re simply tools. You still need to be willing to putting in the work, and trust me it can be a lot of work.
That being said, if you want to get a job done as quickly and effectively as possible, then having the right tools is going to make all the difference.