So, you got her number. Good on you. Maybe you’ve even started texting back and forth, and things are going well. Now what?
Obviously, you want to meet up with her so you should ask her out. Sounds simple, doesn’t it? Well unfortunately, setting up a date over text can sometimes be a little tricky. Ask her out too soon and you could get straight up rejected, but if you take too long then she could easily lose interest. And what is the best way to ask a girl out in the first place?
Rest assured; you’ve come to the right place – read on to learn everything you need to have her saying “Yes!” to meeting up with you in person.
When is the right time to ask a girl out over text?
Before you ask a girl out, you want to make sure that she’s into you to begin with (need help with building attraction over text in the first place? Read this first!)
Since you don’t have any body language cues to go off of, you need to be able to pick up on the indicators of interest (IOIs) that girls will often give you through text. Here are some of the most common ones:
- She’s asking you questions – this means she’s interested in getting to know you better, which is a good sign that she may be down to meet up with you
- She’s laughing a lot over text, or using a lot of emojis and excessive punctuation marks – these convey enthusiasm
- She adds multiple letters to the ends of her words – “hey” = “hi” but “heyyyy” = “I like you”
- She asks about your plans – This could be her way of hinting that she wants to be part of them
- She qualifies herself to you – She wouldn’t be trying to prove herself to you unless she was invested in you on some level
- She offers up unsolicited information about herself – She wants to give you a better impression of who she is, another reliable indicator of interest
- She compliments you – pretty self-explanatory
What is the best way to ask a girl out over text?
When asking a girl out over text you want to follow two general principles.
First of all, you want to avoid getting a “no” as much as possible. Every time you get a “no” you lose momentum. Practically this means you should never text a girl something like “Hey I know a good bar downtown, are you down to grab drinks on Friday at 7pm?”.
Even if she is interested in meeting up with you, if she already has other plans for Friday evening then she’s going to turn you down. You might think that’s no big deal, because you can just suggest another day/time and that might be true, if she’s really invested in meeting up with you in the first place. But every time she gives you a “no” it builds what’s called negative compliance momentum. The more she tells you “no”, the more likely she is to tell you “no” again in the future, or just outright ghost you. And if she was on the fence about meeting up with you in the first place, then the way you set up the date can be the difference between bringing a new amazing woman into your life and jacking off in your room alone.
What you want to do instead, is to propose something that is easy for her to say yes to, for example just drinks. Once she says yes to that, you can then ask her what days she is free, so you avoid suggesting a date that doesn’t work for her.
Alternatively, let’s say you’re only available at a particular time. Let’s say you’re completely slammed with work and can only meet up during the weekend, for example. In that case, before even bringing up the idea of drinks you’d want to first just casually ask “so what are you up to this weekend”. If she says something like “going on a ski trip with friends” then you know that you should just wait until next week to ask her out.
The second principle you want to follow is seeding the close. This means taking the time to set the stage for asking her out, so it doesn’t come out of nowhere. This requires being able to steer the interaction towards topics that will let you bring up the idea of a date in a way that’s smooth and makes sense within the context of the conversation.
One takeaway from this example is it’s never a bad idea to add a bit of humor when asking a girl out over text – bonus points if you can refer back to something that you guys have already talked about and turn it into an inside joke!
What to do if she stops texting you
What to do if she’s unsure
If you ask her out and she’s unsure, but she also hasn’t given you a reason as to why she’s on the fence, then you need to get to the bottom of whatever objection she may have. You can’t address her objection until you know what it is. One of the ways to do this is to simply assume what it is and let her either confirm or correct your guess. For example, one thing that I’ve seen used a lot these days is the line “If you’re nervous, I totally understand”.
You might also get something like “I’m not sure when I’m free this week, I’ll check my schedule and get back to you”. Spoiler alert: there’s a 99% chance she won’t get back to you. If a girl sends you this, then you’re likely going to have to re-engage in a couple of days, build the conversation back up, and then go for the date again.
What if she texts you the day of the date, and says she’s on the fence because she’s tired, hungover, or just plain lazy? The best move in this scenario is to make it seem like if she doesn’t see you that day then it might be a long time before she can get another opportunity to see you. This tactic relies on something called the scarcity principle, which is people’s tendency to place higher value on things they perceive as rare. That means if she thinks that your time is scarce, then she’s going to be more motivated to take full advantage of this one opportunity she does have to see you, even if she isn’t feeling 100%.
What should you text to confirm the date?
Okay so you’ve successfully set up the date and now it’s the day of. But you haven’t talked to her in a couple of days. How can you be sure that the date is still on? After all, nobody wants to get stood up at the last minute just because their date “forgot” about them.
You could just send a text the morning of asking something along the lines of “we still on for tn?”. The problem with this, however, is it might end up sending the wrong message. If you appear too concerned about her potentially flaking on you, then she might perceive you as needy, or even as someone who has been flaked on numerous times in the past by other girls. Either way, there’s no point in shooting yourself in the foot if you don’t have to.
What I personally like to do is to send a message earlier on in the day, saying something along the lines of “Hey I’m running behind schedule with work, so can we do 8:30 instead?”. By pushing back the date 15-30 minutes or so, I am able to get a sense for whether or not she’s actually going to show up, WITHOUT seeming like I’m worried about her flaking.
If you found some of this useful then check out my Text Game Mentorship program, designed to help you level up in every aspect of your text game. And if you’re the kind of guy who hates having to think about what to say every time he texts a girl, then you should consider getting a monthly membership to my new text support group, which you can read more about here.